End of Show

I pulled the curtain. I pulled it
not you.
And here we are. Its thick
and dark
a damask enclosure. Old wood floor. An
old sweet smell
of powders, and
sweat
from a long time ago.

I don't mind this dark. If I stare into
it, look at it, rather than
trying to see something
I can tell its red, and crimson, and
honeycombed gold. Not just dark.
I still know
where I am
which is the same place
as where I was.

You
on the other hand
are feeling along
for the split
for where
things separate
and you walk through. The other side.

The split is there. Both sides
are already there.

Keep feeling for it
until you
don't need to
anymore.

January

I go up
to that edge
again and again
rarely
at night
usually midday
sometimes
in the morning, at sunrise
always to look
do you see it there?
an edge, a bluff, with a quarry
to make your way around
the ground, the gravel, pinkish
and a bent wind-weathered scrub forest
before coming
to the open sea

usually alone
I never called it
not once
at whom I would find there
and once or twice
who found me
I always think
I'm the better spotter, lookout, seer
its funny to me
and
a curious relief
to be wrong
I suppose
now that I think about it
I love it
to be seen

I love it
to reread
or re-see
my own words
and self
when I was honest
and told the truth
even years later
I can always perceive it
it comes together
in those moments
a cohesion
and a comfort
and a willingness
at that edge.

To Tell You the Truth

You know
it isn't
what I know
it is just the space
where we meet
in the middle
This was the time.

I can't speak
so often
I find us
breathing at the same time
so often
I know when you sleep
and when you wake
I don't try to direct
either one.

I am not you
and it never
escapes me
how much
it is not
about me
for some reason
that alone explodes my heart with a joy
I levitate
to be
so little
so small
so nothing
even to you.

Sometimes
this isn't
anyone's dream
there are hints of it
here and there
but in the end
it is its own thing
no one owns it
no one made it
you could never
if you tried.

Its like this
its like smelling something
to identify it
rather than going
straight for your strongest sense
no I see it clearly
no I know it because I feel it
and, even, no I know it because I
hear my own voice
just
smell it
use your weakest muscle

the total surprise
of where
you didn't know
you could be so sore
the total surprise
of where
you didn't know
you even were.

Untitled

Once
for a whole day
I talked
really slow
at first
because I was
so hung over
champagne
when sitting down
for long stretches
seems so innocuous
but I came to
kind of like it
so I kept at it
on purpose
I became
very slow
at everything
all day
my husband
by afternoon
wondered out loud if
I was missing
an essential vitamin
or something
and the lady at CVS
I was pretty sure
thought I was retarded
she was so
super friendly
and congratulatory
at my independent shopping success

We attended
a party
later that night
and by then
the effect of others
finding me different
was less than
everything becoming different
for me
all the usual people there
to my mind
in slow motion
the details of their dress
their looks, and expressions
flashing, sparkling, echoing, blurring
now not occurring
but captured
and reverenced
I saw them more
and truly
liked them more
a simple effect
of pacing.

The Visit

Holding my friend's
inky-eyed newborn
gliding back-forth, back-forth
in their hospital room
all their loved ones around
remarking on the wonder
of him
who he looks like
all that hair!
how quiet, how alert, how good
I didn't really care
I looked at him
he at me
and I whispered
those are not the things
that excite me about you
the truth is
you thrill me
because
you remind me
of these things:

I can do it myself
I graduated
I got in
I passed
I took it
I quit
I took it
She said yes
They accepted the offer
I did it myself
Its a boy
Its a girl
Its a Labradoodle
They caught it early
They got it all
I was with her
I was with him
I made it just in time
I never
I always
I know now
I understand
I believe
I will
I have
I am

He gazed
unimpressed and
unblinking
at me
the way newborns do
Fine
I said
as quietly
as I could
so his
very earnest parents
would not overhear
do your own thing
and skip some of
or all of
the first parts
if you must
but just
trust me
you little thrill-seeker
not the last ones.

Untitled

I stumbled
right out of the blocks
all ramped up on
promise, clarity, lessons learned
now I know!
where I'm going!
and ringing in praise
I ended up
ungloriously
picking the little
rocks out of my palms
and hoping for at least a
little bit of blood
behind the tear
in the fabric
at my knee
to justify
this idiotic moment
I just get so drunk on
fresh starts
this is that part
if you believe in a god
where you get to say something about
a sick sense of humor
for right now I
will leave it to
you to summarize, philosophize,
make any meaning of it
I am too busy
reacquainting myself
with the pavement.

Hard Times

I'm not there
you see
to do the things that should be done

a chicken soup, from scratch
for your dinner
and your breakfast
as you sometimes
like to do
perhaps a pie to follow
if you have the appetite
sit across the room
looking busy
with my book
though in fact
I would just be very quietly
and secretly
radiating my warmest self
at you
if there are dishes to be done
they'd be done
and you might not notice
the sweet smell of something
I rubbed on your pillowcase
to infuse you
with comfort
as you dream

be with you
leave you be
both together
as you need

There I am.