Assorted Candies (from 12/2008)

For 10 hours of hospice, today was a sexy day. This is why.

1.
One of the nurses I work with just stood up from her cube out of nowhere today and smiled this very radiant smile at M., the other social worker, and me, and you could immediately see that she was just completely all there and in herself at that moment, just totally present, and she said

I just want to tell you that I love you guys. I really do. You're always there for me and you're always so awesome and I'm having endogenous opioids today and its a fresh start and a new day and I love you both.

And she really meant it. And I looked at M., who is not demonstrative in this sort of a way, and I considered my own feelings, because though while generally in favor of loving and positive feelings and the free expression of these kinds of things I also have boundaries and am a little bit sensible too. But I tell you, M. and I got up and it was like we were all just a little more there, instantly, like color saturated or something, and we told her we loved her too and we hugged all together and it was electric and gorgeous and totally true. And that was at about 8:45am this morning, half an hour into my work day.

2.
Also to do with R., this particular nurse, was a patient we both saw over at my favorite nursing home today. This lady is really pretty demented but is content in her reality and mostly looks off into space except when you directly address her, in which case she looks at you with this big smile with her two remaining teeth, and says a few related words, and then checks right back out into pleasantland. And its great that she is in pleasantland because she mostly doesn't eat anymore and doesn't get up anymore and has a really, really awful wound that she's on a lot of medication to control the pain from.

And so today R. had to change her dressing on that wound and I was down the hall finishing up and when I came by I couldn't hear the words R. was saying but I caught her tone and I thought, uh-oh and so I went in. R. was clearly shaken up and who wouldn't be because this poor lady was just hanging on the bedrail with all her might and sobbing the saddest sob I have ever heard. And I know this lady went to Hawaii once and so I got down on my knees and I just started recalling in as much detail as I could every single thing, smell, taste, feel anything at all of Hawaii and using all the Hawaiian names I could think of too, talking about plumeria and hibiscus and hummingbirds so tiny disappearing into the hibiscus and on and on and she stopped crying and R. stopped looking shaken up and suddenly we were all, I think, in Hawaii together, and it was so lush and verdant and sensual and just sexy and I thought, and I know we all felt it, how did we all just get to sexy after a thing like that? And it was an amazing gorgeous electric moment, and we all looked in each other's eyes and it was all there and true and part of me still can't believe it except I know it because even now close to 12 hours later I can feel it inside.

3.
There's this Italian aide at this same favorite nursing home and I don't even know his name but he's about my age and has a long ponytail and he sings in Italian all the time and though he isn't empirically speaking half-bad looking that is not the thing about him. The thing about him is that he is so incredibly genuinely kind. I watch him with the various patients while I'm doing my charting at the nurses' station and I see the way he really, truly, loves all these old and not so good smelling and sometimes very unhappy patients. He is so tender and gentle and respectful and lovely with them and he smiles at them and sings to them and sometimes he just holds them and lets them be however they are and I really see him and I get embarrassed because I think he catches me watching sometimes and I don't want him to think its a flirty thing because it isn't, its just so beautiful, and I catch him watching me sometimes with my patients because, honestly, I really do love my patients too.

And so its like we're two lighthouses crossing beams sometimes although we never speak or really acknowledge each other, except for one time a couple of weeks ago. I was leaning against the wall waiting for the elevator after a very long and sad day with a few deaths, two while I was in the room, and one that was really awful with a lot of pain and moaning and suffering that we never were able to make better. And I'm sure my hair was up in a mess the way it usually is after a day like that, and I'm sure I looked like leftovers, the way I usually do after a day like that. And what he did is walk up to me and briefly hold my shoulders and looked at me and then kissed me very gently on the cheek and then walked away and I was stunned and blushed I'm sure. But then by the time the elevator came I got it and stopped blushing and just smiled and we never spoke of it or even to each other instantly back to our usual silent mutual appreciation society at every subsequent visit. And I saw him today wiping the drool from someone and he saw me doing the Hawaii thing and afterwards as I was waiting for the elevator he just smiled at me as he does and I smiled back as I do and it was quiet and gorgeous and true and lovely.

4.
This evening I was driving just at dusk to go admit a new home patient a few towns over. The air was just unbelievable. Sixtyish, a little humid, a little breezy, a warm breeze, not a chilly one. In December. It did something to me. All I could think of was, this is sexy, sexy air. And it was sexy. I could not think of anything but the urge to go skinnydipping in the Merrimack as I drove along its banks, and I thought, I should really be thinking about this patient, and going over what not to forget to check into (funeral plans, DNR in place, don't smoke ciggies next to the O2 tank) and what I wanted to do was be naked in the air and then naked in the water. Except that it would be frigid and so I didn't do that. But I still kind of wish I'd found a good thick stand of trees and not been running 15 minutes late because I might have taken care of the first bit. I am still thinking about it tonight and I am wishing I could figure out where this particular air mass is from because I don't think its from generally just south of here. I think this is a magical air mass from some place kind of unusual and special and a little sexy, and someone out there has the technology to track it and know it and I wish they would put it on the news because I bet I'm not the only one who noticed it today. I bet Prince was on vacation somewhere, and slept in this air mass, and then it travelled on up to Haverhill, MA and got tangled up with me and that is probably the case because Prince is the kind of guy who can pull off stuff like that. But that's the truth. There was something in the air today and it was lovely and sexy all day today and I tell you, it was really pretty pleasant and enjoyable and I'm pretty grateful to have had a sensual sexy day in the middle of December on a Monday at work in a bunch of nursing homes. Thank you Prince, wherever you are.