On Being Your Mother

In August this year
on a hot afternoon I was driving small you
along route 22, to the organic farmstand, nothing but the
Berkshires and steep cowfields to either
side of us. We were wanting a
tomato and something for
the grill and I
brought you with me for the dipping country drive
just the girls
windows down, KZE on, lazy and free. You waved your tiny hands and
sang some tune, I daydreamed, until three abrupt blasts:
emergency broadcast system, not a test, a
storm cell littering
tornadoes all down the valley and
sure enough
the sky went weirdly dark and the green
fluoresced just as
we pulled in. A hundred yards, up the hill, the
ridge and the view
all down the valley. Back behind us
basements, and generally more
sensible and safe options.

Where, in the book I have from your first day regularly
consulted, does it advise how to make these
impossible choices
to keep you alive or
let you live?

And for the first time, with the warning sirens beginning to
wail, and the farm staff panicked and
waving us in, I deferred the
decision to two-year-old-you:
home safe
or see it?
See it, your eyes instantly said, finger pointing firmly
up to the ridge and it was all
the instruction I needed my
fingers flew over your straps and buckles and I
gathered you all up in my arms, running, your arm around my neck
so tight
all your might
singing in my ear oh I loved you so and we
ran as the
first fat raindrops fell through the
corn the sunflowers the sudden smells released and as we reached
the top of the ridge
oh glory
glory be
all before us an eight-lane skyway of
funneling clouds, lightning, cracking thunder loud
enough to vibrate our ribs a
spreading dark and the
fear of God
you screamed I
screamed your cheek to mine oh
the joy of it and then
down again in the soaking wind to the
car and of course then
home safe
but plastered wet and with
no good explanation for your dad and your brother what
happened what happened was for the first time
you chose
and we saw it and
it was also for the first time and
not the last so
totally
totally
worth it.